


The Unravelling of The Heart Is A Twisted Process

by EverybodyWantsToRuleTheWorld



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: 1970s, Bisexual Remus Lupin, Cussing, Gay Sirius Black, Heartache, Manipulative Albus Dumbledore, Multi, Pregnant Lily Evans Potter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-05
Updated: 2019-11-05
Packaged: 2020-11-15 11:11:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20865257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EverybodyWantsToRuleTheWorld/pseuds/EverybodyWantsToRuleTheWorld
Summary: All it took Remus Lupin to realise that maybe damage wasn't always meant to be repaired was three days. All it took Sirius Black to realise that maybe damage could be undone was three days. Unfortunately,  they were both a little late.





	The Unravelling of The Heart Is A Twisted Process

Team: Embarkment  
"I realise now that I wanted to disappear. To get so lost that nobody ever found me. To go so far away that I'd never be able to make my way home again. But I have no idea why.”  
-Jessica Warman, Between

22 December, 1979  
Remus is nineteen. Sirius is twenty. Lily is about two months pregnant with Harry.  
First Wizarding War,  
London.

  
Remus was on his way to the door like any other night, and nothing seemed different except the holiday cheer enveloping London, turning it into a big grey ball of cotton wrapped in fairy lights, if one could see it from space. And the fact that not more than a week ago London Calling was released by The Clash, drove him to buy it before his salary slipped out of his hands, dissipating into beer shopping and fixing roof leakages and the endless plethora of other meaningless and demanding problems London always put in your way, just like a selfish lover. Remus sighed as he started on this journey up the stairs to the fifth floor, wondering of all this when his hand went inside his bag and rested upon the cool, crisp cover of the album, just vibrating with the wanton of being pulled on to reveal what hid inside and be played all night long. He smiled at himself and wondered if it was all so poetically unjust, how he found the London life weary and demanding, yet at the same time, he had to acknowledge that he would’ve never been able to get his hands on the album this quick if this was anywhere but London, home to some of the greatest bands and an even greater rock culture.

He'd missed London these past two months.

He continued with his chain of thought, as he proceeded to reach the third floor. Despite London being a selfish lover, you know you could never ask for more, you’d still be hooked to that sweet poison which knew how to hit you just right. Just right. It knows your weaknesses and strength, your desires and hatred, your inside and your out, it’s thorough in the study of the subject of you.

And suddenly Remus felt if he was still thinking about London or someone else entirely, as he finally reached the door to his flat, and cursed when he realised that the neighbour’s cat had once again chosen Remus’ door to piss on. “What a welcoming gesture, Elvis.” He cursed, condemning Elvis The Cat and how unappealing it was, with its orange fur and its accusatory, yellow eyes with a hideous belt around its neck that read, in the most disgusting font ever, “Elvis”, all its characteristics in contrast to the person it was named after. He sighed and unlocked the door, rubbing his palms upon entering, trying to contain in the excitement of his newest addition to the rickety wooden shelf in his bedroom, filled with some of Remus’ most cherished albums, as he turned on the light.

Sirius was there, standing in the middle of the room, staring back at him, and Remus suddenly didn’t feel the same excitement anymore. Sirius already had a key to his flat, so him entering like this, with Remus feeling like the most unprepared guy in the middle of a catastrophe, wasn't seemingly impossible. He felt an uneasiness growing inside him, evolving from the gnarled branches of the tree growing from the seed of distrust, not being able to look Sirius back in the eye. Sirius on the contrary, with his ever present defiance, his unusually tired eyes and his reminiscent lock of namesake hair, refused to back down. Emotions used to take a toll on Sirius too, but he could ease them out with frantic confrontation just well, or so Remus thought, as he entered the room, carefully setting the album aside on the top of the shoe rack, trying to use each and every pasing second to guess what was it now that had brought the storm Himself to his door. Finally, burrowing his hands deep in the interminable depths of the pockets of his coat, wishing he could stuff the tension and the pain along with his hands too, Remus looked up at Sirius, who still had some snow on his left shoulder, and willed himself to speak, failing miserably. Sirius finally spared them the unnecessary attempts and used his grey eyes to piercingly throw his words at Remus.

“Where were you the past two months, exactly?”

Remus immediately cursed inwardly, dreading this moment right from the day when Dumbledore had entrusted him with the mission for the Order. Trying to school his features and hide any remnants of insecurity, pain, or any other burdening emotion that has been pushing Remus to his point break, Remus gave the expected answer.

"Order business."

"I asked "where", not "why" you were gone for the past two months. Trust me, I've gotten my head around the latter since the past year and ask I'm left with is wondering about the former. So, Remus, where the fuck were you?" Sirius’ eyes turned stormy by the minute, disarming Remus and leaving him staggered and dazed at the same time. How long had it been since he'd seen his own reflection in those mystic grey orbs? He wasn't even sure if he wanted to see his reflection, it was all to painful. All this had happened so many times that Remus felt like this going in circles was to much for him. Still, obligations were meant to pull him down to the bottom of the sea of helplessness, away from the shore, where was Sirius, with a customary cigarette between his lips, an alluring look in his tumultuous grey eyes, a careless hand through his hair, and a love completely undeserved by Remus in that passionate and gigantic heart of his. It almost burned Remus every time he had to say this, it hurt him to look back into those curious, accusatory, unsure eyes of Sirius' and give him the same answer.

"I can't tell you, I'm sorry."

What hadn't, couldn't, they tell each other these days, who could say? A lot of time and distance had been sacrificed on pathetic and failed attempts at bridging this chasm between them and Remus could do nothing but stand in his old brown overcoat, hands in its pockets almost ritualistically, as he watched it all crumble down in a rubble of crushed hopes and a reminiscent yesterday.

Yesterday.

It meant a lot to Remus, and despite the war, the tension, the distrust, he still wanted it and desperately clung to it for mere self existence. Yesterday was almost like a symphony of hopeful promises to him, it was the ambrosia to his ailing and aching, it made him feel mortal enough, if not godly. Remus ached within and thinking of the yesteryear brought if not complete, some peace. He tried looking back at Sirius, and finding himself, themselves, somewhere in his forms and crevices, pegging all his problems and worries on his back, his truthful back which could bear anything for its friends. Remus sighed. But not Remus, Remus wasn't just a friend.

"Fine, Remus. Don't tell me."

"Sirius, you know I can't help it. It's order business. I'm not permitted to disclose it to anyone. Please, trust me."  
"I never realised I came under the purview of "anyone", but thanks for making that clear. Thanks for having made it clear so many times now." It was as if something shattered, and his sure bet was on that heart of his, warped in the treacherous wire of responsibilities and obligations and secrets. It was bleeding, his heart, and he couldn't do anything but let it. Before he could apologise for the umpteenth time, suddenly they were both snatched out of each other's aura by the shrill voice of a group of children walking down the street, singing carols. Cheer was far thrown out of the window, and both could do nothing but wait in awkward silence for the group to pass by. Even Jesus wanted them to stop their incessant fighting and take a moment to breathe. Something Remus couldn't even remember when he'd done it the last time.  
Once it was quiet again, Remus contemplated with offering Sirius some tea, a drink maybe, when Sirius suddenly resolved it for him. "I don't know what you expect me to do. Trusting you was easier back when both of us were an open book to each other. Now, I don't even know if we're on the same page. I-" Sirius paused, trying to look at anywhere but Remus, "-don't think I can be under the same roof with a man I'm not even sure I know anything about."

"Sirius you know that's not true. You-"

"-No, Remus. That's what you fail to understand. You've changed, I've changed. And maybe if you were around more then you'd realise it and would've tried to preserve what we have. I don't think it's possible anymore. So please Remus, spare me the bullshit of having to go through another one of these meaningless fights all over again. Count me out."  
With that, Sirius Apparated and left Remus standing alone, sparing him nothing but a blur of black. Black hair, black jacket, black jeans. Remus wondered if he needed to grasp at his hair and bawl his eyes out over this whatever-it-was that had happened right now or grab his coat and go out into the night like a poster London loner and drink his guts out at Leaky Cauldron. Like the poster London loner he was, Remus chose the latter. Grabbing his coat, Remus tried not to think of what had happened not minutes ago, as he headed out of the door, his plans with the newest album long forgotten.  
London was calling.

23 December, 1979,  
Time: 1:17 a.m,  
The Leaky Cauldron.  
Remus is drunk, Sirius isn't.

  
"That's all we could gather from the recent findings. Dumbledore prospects to have another meeting soon, there will probably be a discussion about this."

"Well, good for you, Edgar." Remus tried to give a casual smile, feeling a sneeze coming up his chest at alarming speed. He wasn't aware how long it'd been since he'd arrived at Leaky, but conversation with Edgar was going strong and Remus didn't want to end it yet. It'd been days since he'd actually talked with someone and had a one-to-one conversation rather than being interrogated and ordered to incessantly. At least Edgar didn't insinuate anything or accuse Remus straight out. Yet. "How's the wife?"

"Scared. Other than that, we're doing fine. What about you, Remus? You're doing alright lad? Haven't seen much of you lately." Edgar's look suddenly changed to that of curiosity.

"I've been...here and there." Remus said, trying hard not to sneeze in Edgar's face, his drunken nerves not helping him at all. He was getting a bad feeling that had kind of became like a second nature which warned him that things were about to go just the opposite of what he'd expected them to go like.

"Well, I'll be honest, the Order would be grateful if it was more "here" than "there". Edgar's eyes turned imperceptibly narrow under his wire framed glasses.

Remus caught on the hidden question far late than his sober form would've, and already his brain was erratic enough, causing him to get irritated. "Trust me, Edgar. Whatever I'm doing, I'm fighting for here and not there. I don't have to explain myself, alright? If the whole fucking Order thinks I'm a traitor, then traitor be it." Remus was done with hidden questions, hidden looks, hidden emotions. He wished that he could go and hide somewhere forever. Yes, that would be good.

Edgar, embarrassed with Remus' outburst tried to calm him down and asked him to take his seat back, but Remus was far from listening. No, Remus would go back home now, he was done drinking and spending the night out. If sleep couldn't make anything better, Merlin knew what would.  
Walking down the street, Remus noticed a group of youngsters, probably around Remus' age, laughing and walking past as if they were the kings of the world. They'd probably just enjoyed a night of fun at laughter at some bar and might've made new friends, fallen in love or maybe just made unforgettable memories.

Memories.

Remus Lupin was short of many things in his life. Luxury, privilege, a nose of average length and most prominently, a normal childhood. A normal life, even. But memories, Remus had never felt like he was short on them. His parents had made sure of it. Going to the local library with his mother every Saturday to read his heart out, he couldn't forget those hours laden with discovery and imagination, spent among hordes of books and being surrounded by the smell of old oak and dust laden pages. His friends had made sure of it. Hogwarts, that one, single word summed up his whole kaleidoscope of memories that he had made in the seven years that he was there. Remus sighed in the cold air, listening to the group's boisterous, drunken, carefree laughter as they were passing him, wishing if maybe he could ever have that life with his friends. If all their years at Hogwarts- the laughs, the pranks, the trips to Hogsmeade, that summer in Brighton, everything had now just become a distant memory. Will his youth be warped in the darkness of the war and be constantly under the judgmental scrutiny of others. The latter, Remus was used to, just not from his friends.  
Remus climbed the stairs back up to his flat for the second time that night.

\----------

If everything was back to the way it was, Remus wondered without helping himself, it would've been Sirius' slowly vibrating and gruff morning voice that would have been the one to get him out of bed, not a fucking crow who wouldn't give up on crowing since the past half hour. He was once again grateful for the fact that wizards usually had to deal with owls and not these fucking disgrace in the name of birds. Remus wondered how many of his belongings must've been sacrificed due to his pathetic, partly sleepy aims at the crow to get it to fly away. Finally, after not being able to find anything else to throw out the window, Remus decided to get up. Miraculously, the crow flew away.

"Bugger." He wondered how he could easily be blindfolded with his wand in his hand and always hit the right target but when it came to simple, non magical prospects, Remus was as uncoordinated as a masterless puppet.

While on his way to the kitchen to make himself something worthy of being called caffeinated, when a letter at the edge of the table caught his eye. It had the stamp of Hogwarts and his name and address. Curiously opening it, Remus wondered that if it was another one of those letters from Dumbledore which invited him to go to some mission or the other, probably at the stake of losing his life every once in a usual while.

_Remus,_  
_It's come to my notice that you've arrived back in London not recently. It surely is a delightful news and one that made me arrange for sending you this letter as soon as possible. I'm pretty sure there's a whole lot of information you'd want to discuss and I'd definitely say likewise. At around seven o'clock clock today, the Order's been arranged to meet at Mr. Potter's house and I'm hopefully sure that your addition to today's gathering would be a delightful surprise to everyone, and most importantly, I hope you wouldn't mind me saying so, to Mr. Black._  
_You'll be waited for eagerly by your friends and acquaintances, I'm sure. I hope we can arrange for a more private meeting between the two of us sometime prior._  
_Until then._  
_Prof. Albums Dumbledore, Headmaster_  
_Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry_

Remus couldn't help himself before balling the letter and shooting it in the dustbin.

For a change, Remus hit the target.

\----------

If one were to look at Lily Potter from a cross a street, she'd seem like a petite redhead with the most verdant eyes. However, here was Remus, feeling Lily's belly, as she proudly declared, "It's going to be the baby's second month in my stomach now."

Remus couldn't help but smile at her effortlessly. He had expected an awkward and anything but a warm welcome to the Potters, but apparently he was in for something entirely different. He had reached at five o'clock exactly, trying not to let his tardiness get the worst of him, and was surprised to find no one else from the Order there, not even James, who Lily said, was off grocery shopping.

"I'm afraid I might end up spending more on pickles and ice cream than on actual grocery. Moreover, James needs some time off. He has been going crazy since we found out about the pregnancy. He tries not to show it, but I know he's terribly scared too."

"I'm pretty sure it's because he's finally realized that he will no more be the child in the room."

"Tell me about it. Well, if it's any consolation, he's not the only one who's scared."

"Don't worry Lily, you guys will be amazing parents. I know it." Remus squeezed her shoulder, trying to get her to relax. He was truly happy for the both of them, and no matter how hard he'd had it himself, he knew that James and Lily deserved this happiness. Just because he was a werewolf, didn't make Remus feel any more unjust with his life. If this baby was going to be that harbinger of happiness that they needed, then Remus was all too happy for them to have it.

"Anyways, Remus, what have you been up to?"

"Nothing much. Order business."

"Well, it keeps you busier than usual, I can say that."  
Remus silently nodded, starting to feel uncomfortable. What if Lily wanted to know more? What if she started to ask questions? He didn't want it to be like last night ask over again. That was the exact moment when Remus was saved by the bell. Literally.

"Oh, the others have arrived. I hope James won't take long. Wait here while I go and let the others in."

Remus shuddered for a moment. The meeting was about to begin.

\----------

"I'm sure of it, the sources are confirmed and I've done a background check on each one of them." Fabian replied, wiping his hands on his knees. Gideon couldn't make it, he was away on some mission. But obviously, it was nothing like Remus' case.To start off with, he wasn't a marked traitor. And then, a lengthy list of differences followed. Remus tried to stop thinking, and maybe try to ease his self deprecating second nature. He looked over at Dumbledore, who was sitting in a rather inconspicuous seat, right at the farthest corner of the whole room. It seemed as if he was deliberately trying to merge in with the background and to not be noticed. They hadn't yet spoken with each other, but the moment Remus' eyes locked with Dumbledore, he gave him a smile, hidden partly by darkness. Remus wondered if the smile was genuine or maybe was muddled with just a smidge of pity and something else.

"Well, if it has already been confirmed then we might as well sabotage it tonight . Any more late is going to be more detrimental to our plans." Moody spoke, as his glass eye was busy scanning the room with the restlessness of a child. That man had some serious paranoia issues, he just wasn't told that by anyone, considering there was the question of losing ones balls on doing so.

"So," James asked, "we know that the meeting is at this shanty pub down in Knockturn Alley, Brewing Barrels tonight, but what time?"

  
"Somewhere around eleven. I can't confirm the exact time, my source was far too jittery and scared out of his wits. It's a miracle he could even get this much information out of his mouth despite my constant reassurances of his safety." Fabian replied.

"Well, then, it's settled." Moody stood up from his chair. "We go tonight. Brewing Barrels at 10:00 sharp, I don't want any slackers. We infiltrate the meeting with utmost care. Not even a single Death Eater or any follower of You-Know-Who should get even a whiff of suspicion. Got it?"

Everyone nodded silently. Remus was wondering about this plan of sabotaging some Death Eaters' meeting, when suddenly, he realised that Moody was directly addressing him.  
"I see you've arrived back to London?"

Remus couldn't utter a single word, his tongue had suddenly turned to lead. So, he mutely nodded in affirmation . he wondered when he had lost his ability to articulate , and the realised that maybe it was a certain pair of gray eyes that were fixated on him, that stopped him from uttering even a single word . Moody looked at him for a few seconds and then almost as if nodding himself said, "Well, welcome back. It's a real surprise that you've decided to stick around and more so is your presence here. I thought...never mind." Then, Moody coughed once or twice over his verbal embarrassment, if such a thing could he possible for a man like him and continued, "Potter, Black , you guys will be sitting at the bar at a spot where your profile is inconspicuous to the Death Eaters, but you two have a perfect view of the ongoing meeting. Fabian, Shacklebolt, you guys wait around at the back. I'll be waiting secretly in the kitchen. Dumbledore, you wouldn't mind sending one of your accountable sources in to check up on the place beforehand, would you?" Moody asked, obviously referring to Hagrid.

With an almost eerie twinkle in his eyes, Dumbledore promised to do so. Remus looked around once more, and found another two or three Order members sitting there. Edgar was there, obviously, and Remus felt sorry for his drunk behaviour yesterday. There was Dorcas along with Marlene, who'd apparently cut her previously long hair off not recently, and Remus wondered how much change, and to what extent, he was going to have to face. Well, he contemplated, war had changed everyone with each passing month, and had reduced the importance of materialistic things for all of them. He couldn't help but feel unsettled at what had come to become of all of them.

Then, he saw Sirius, and suddenly his mind went black. Blank.  
Sirius, unlike Marlene, hadn't given up on his hair, and today, it was let loose with a telltale dampness of a most thorough, time-consuming washing. Surprisingly, he didn't go all the way to wear his muggle leather jacket and the indispensable denims, but instead, Remus was pretty sure, it was a formal white shirt under a long black coat, with black trousers. How very much unlike Sirius.

"Conversation will definitely make things better." Remus meekly thought, before walking up to where Sirius was still sitting quietly. He tried to make his way through all the others who were staring to get up and gather around in groups to chat or bid their goodbyes, some were brimming Lily and James up with hearty congratulations, and some were sitting still and looking like a divine presence not knowing how they were turning a mere mortal into a devout, about to delve deep into the madness of his devotion. A mortal who loved literature more than anything, was the bearer of an abnormally long nose, could never tie his shoelaces properly and had taken a fierce fancy for his raven haired, free spirited best friend since he was sixteen.

Remus found that with each step he took, he was almost going in for something waiting away from the rest of the world just for him, desperate and tensed, something intangible and curious, and something saturated with the thrill of going back to a distant memory which you remember nothing of except for the fact that it used to be your best.  
Suddenly, he was stopped by Dumbledore.

"Remus, I see you're back in London." He sounded almost genuinely surprised to see Remus as if he was completely unaware of the fact that the reason Remus had been out of London in the first place was him.

"Well, I am it seems."

"It's absolutely brilliant seeing you, I must add. I hope it's not much to ask of you, but I'd like to see you somewhere privately." Dumbledore asked, voice almost calculated. Remus looked behind him, and saw Sirius staring at the two of them, unabashedly suspicious. Remus averted his eyes back to professor Dumbledore.

"Yes, sure. Anytime as feasible for you, I'm fine with it."

"Why, thank you. What would you say to meeting me tomorrow morning? Say, around ten?"

"It's not as if I've got any other engagements to attend to. Don't worry, I'll be there, Headmaster."

"Brilliant. Thank you, Remus."

"Anytime." Remus tried giving him a small smile, but all he could scrape by was a contemplative frown.

"Well, see you soon, then. You take care , Remus. You deserve it." Dumbledore smiled kindly at him, and then, almost invisible to the third person, he fiddled with one of his rings, and almost instantly stopped. Turning away, he walked back, leaving Remus standing alone.

Remus took a deep breath before turning around to find that the seat on which Sirius was sitting as was now empty. He sighed inwardly, and thought of leaving the place himself, when a hand clapped on his shoulder. Turning around, he saw James Potter, grinner extraordinaire, looking almost so happy that Remus lost all his inhibitions at once.

"What is this news I hear in the streets, James?"

"I'm pretty sure whatever it is, it's added on to my incessant fame more than ever."

"It sure has made you infamous, if that's what you're saying. I hear that first, you knocked a twenty year old redheaded up not months after your marriage and the other is that you've given up on the war and taken to the commonplace subtleties of grocery shopping."

"I'd be lying if us said the former didn't make me feel a bit proud. As for the latter, I see you and Lily have had your best friends chat already without including me."

"Yes, James. It's called the "best-friends" chat for a reason."

"How're you Moony?" James opened his arms, always the expressionist. Remus couldn't help but give James a generous thump on his back. Although it took men only two seconds, in-and-out, to hug each other, they were capable to express far more emotions in those two seconds without uttering a single word than two women sitting down to have a "chat". Remus tried to remember all the number of times James had been uninhibited about having a certain amount of intimacy between his best friends, how he'd never back down from cheering Remus up by hugging him in the most reassuring of ways. It always meant something more to Remus, everything was always something more to someone like Remus.

"I'm doing pretty satisfactorily." Remus lied.

"That's good. Great, actually." James paused, trying to think of what to say next. He didn't have to open up with the elephant in the room, obviously, but the topic of Remus' absence these past two months would slowly creep in, acknowledged or not. Remus was tired of it.

"Look, James. I know I was out for touch for the past two months, and I'm sorry, but like I've said, I can't tell you anything except for the fact that whatever I'm doing, it's for the Order. So, all I'm asking you to do is restore whatever faith you've got left in me."

"Actually, I was going to talk about something else, but thanks ever for having doubts on my faith in you, makes me realise why it was you and Lily who had the best friends chat, not me, in the first place."

Remus paused. So, James wasn't in any mood for pinning accusations and pegging doubts. That was unexpected.

"Now, I'm embarassed. I'm really grateful for a friend like you James, I am. It's just-" Remus tried not to let his emotions get the better of him, James consolidating his faith in their friendship was enough to break Remus' flimsy barrier that was holding his crushed and heart together. "I've been questioned and judged for so long James. Just because I am what I am."

"I wish I could say I know what it feels like Remus. Unfortunately, none of us here can. Not even Sirius, that bastard. He told me what happened you know, he's real wounded and blinded with heartache just like you, if that's a comfort."

"I look like I'm going through heartache?"

"Every strand of you floppy hair screams it, Remus " James' grin was back and Remus couldn't help but give a smile himsel. But obviously, the topic of conversation made it hard for Remus to do so.

"I don't know what to do or say around him anymore James. I mean, one moment we're able to finish an entire conversation through our eyes and the next he doesn't even want to look at me."

"That's not true, Remus, not at all. If anything, Sirius is just too torn up considering all the things he's been hearing. People talk, you know. And our Sirius, well, he's a talker."

"Couldn't agree more." Remus smiled, wistfully thinking of what James had said. It was true, Sirius was a talker. He would always have something to say about everything. Opinionated or not, Remus loved watching him, animated and expressive, every emotion doing an enchanting dance on that beautiful face of his. How his eyes would grow wider, his cheeks would get flushed ever so little, his voice would stimulate its notes and octaves and his heart would grow passionate more and more. But, silence always follows, and Remus knew that every well. He'd seen it manifest itself on Sirius' life. In his entire life, only once did Sirius go completely quiet- when he'd run away and had been disowned by his family. Somewhere, Remus still felt sorry for him whenever he pictures sixteen year old Sirius' face. They'd had a dangerously promiscuous summer that year. Sirius just wanted to be wanted, and Remus could only say yes to him, succumbing to his desires every time. It was always teetering on the edge of danger, beginning with a sense of thrill and rebellion, and ending on a note of whispered compassion. Those were the times when odd hours of meeting had become Remus' normal schedule, the sunrise being reflected by Sirius' hair, and the moonlight, his eyes. That summer was as if it were straight out of a sonnet. Remus tried to bring himself back to the present.

"Anyways, James." Remus looked at his watch. Last night had made him wary of sleeping any later than normal. Moreover, he had to meet Dumbledore tomorrow. "I think I might leave now."

"Of course. Keep meeting us, we're still your friends and soon to be parents driven crazy with nervousness and fear. We desperately need the presence and the support."

"Start being nice to me now "

"We are." James laughed. "Moreover, who do you think we're going to leave the baby with when we're just too tired to deal with its headache?"

"I've got a nasty feeling that it's going to be me."

"You've lost that loving feeling, Remus. You should be glad I'm entrusting you with the monumental duty of taking care of the baby in advance."

"James, I'd love to do it. Seriously." Remus smiled at James, not finding any place in his heart right now to allow himself to feel that raw joy of being in the presence of a newcomer to the world. Remus tried to cut off all his contemplative thoughts and decided that he'd been among friends and family enough for the night. He obviously didn't want to acknowledge the fact that despite Remus having locked eyes with Sirius, making the message clear that he was coming over to talk to him, Sirius was now gone. He tried not to feel to disappointed.

" Well, good luck on your mission tonight, James."

"Thanks, Remus."

Remus made no further attempt at asking him about what it was they were planning, or if anything bad had happened. He was tired of being looked at with suspicion whenever he asked questions.

Questions.

How many did Remus have locked up in the vault of his heart? He was brimming with them. When did this abominable notion of me endangering you and all our friends get planted in that head of yours? Why did you believe it and not even think about how stung I feel with despair that you'd believed the lie so easily? Are we ever going to be like we were the way before? When did we get like this- lonesome, unspeaking, doubtful, angry, so angry? Can you please tell me how to fix it? Sirius, do you, for everything in this world that's certain, love me? Do you still do?

It was pointless. It was pointless asking these questions to himself rather than the person it was meant to be asked to.  
Remus gave James one last parting hug, and proceeded to leave.

\----------

Just as he'd come out of the Potter's door, Remus was about to walk down the street, when someone from behind said, jest evident in the voice, "I see we've finally decided to reconcile with friends we previously gave no shits about."

Remus couldn't help but smile at himself, Remus even wanted to nod at himself, but he restrained from doing so and quickly hid his smile before turning back around to face the stranger who'd so rudely interrupted him as he was about to embark on his lonely journey back home.

"I see we've finally grown up and shed our leather jackets for formals? Anything special?"

"I thought this coat made me look taller." Sirius tuned to look at him. He was leaning against the wall, smoking a cigarette, as the streetlight made both of their presences evident to each other. Remus took a precautionary second to assess if he should progress further down his conversationalist road. "At least take your fucking eyes off him." He thought to himself, as Sirius stared back at him, eyebrow raised almost imperceptibly. He looked, Remus finally arrived at the word, ethereal. There was nothing more beautiful than watching the pervading light from a carbon gas bulb slide down the black waves of his hair, the smooth slope of his nose, getting filtered through his eyelashes, illuminating his whole form, engulfing Remus' imagination. Remus looked down at his shoes, at the road, the building across, and then almost as if a compass needle, imbalanced due to losing its sense of direction, he faced back to Sirius' face.

"Actually," Sirius proceeded to give up his previous position of leaning against the wall, and reached inside his pocket, "the Order had to attend a funeral today. Here." He was offering Remus a cigarette.

Remus had to hold he breach, as he proceeded to reach out for the cigarette, trying his best to avoid any contact with the holder's forefinger, so precariously proffered to him."Thanks. I've got a lighter with me in my pocket somewhere." As Remus was busy finding his lighter and getting his cigarette lit, he tried to not make the silence stretch on, "Whose was it?"

"Sorry?" Sirius bent his head a little forward, momentarily confused.

"Whose funeral, I mean?"

"Oh, Goergie McMurphy. Got into the Order not a month ago. You wouldn't know him. Obviously." Sirius proceeded to take a long, slow drag.

Remus winced at the meaning behind his words. Purposefully trying to ignore it, Remus thought of what to say, something entirely foreign to when it came to them having a conversation. Earlier, Remus and Sirius could carry on a conversation on anything, anytime. From the death of James Dean to the scandalous murder of Bathilda Bagshot's second cousin (which had made quite a headline during their fourth year), or maybe the dynamics of Antonio and Bassanio's friendship (Sirius always vehemently supported the fact that those two were sucking each other off secretly behind the closed doors of a boathouse somewhere in Venice) or maybe what treasured gifts they'd received for Christmas from their parents (or in Sirius' case, as he articulated, "Antique and highly priced pieces of bullshit owned once upon a time by some rich and esteemed poof with a shrunken left ballsack.")

"Don't try to make normal conversation, alright? We've passed normality aeons ago." Sirius smiled wryly, as if he too was pondering along the same avenues Remus was trying so hard to get lost in. It comforted Remus to be reminded that the incandescent past wasn't his sole property, but that he so precariously shared with Sirius. It was as if no matter how physically apart they were, memories always intertwined them achingly close together. Memories had held them in bondage by the unbreakable ties of all senses- sight, audition, olfaction, taste and feelings.

"I fear the philosopher within you." Remus joked.

"Maybe you should. The philosopher within me has lent me words too wise for the world. He has told me of faith and its frivolity, of love and its ludicrousness, of wars and their wallowing wreckage."

"Wow, that's highly, well, unnerving."

"Is it?" Sirius raised his eyebrow, cigarette dangling just at the edge of his lips.

"It is. You sound so, and Merlin kill me for saying this, serious."

Sirius suddenly burst into a laughter. "That never gets old, does it?"

Remus irritatingly muttered, "You'd have to be barking mad to still find that funny after so many years." Remus suddenly realised his mistake. He'd spoken well before putting a filter to his thoughts before turning them to words.

Sirius threw his head back and laughed uncontrollably, crossing any existing limits of the amount of laughter a human being can afford to spare in one go. "Merlin, I can't believe you just said that." Sirius said, eyes clutched in engulfing laughter and Remus could only stare at him ruefully.

Laughter.  
If one were to embark on the journey of mapping the course of the number of times Remus and Sirius had shared laughter, the person in question might probably give up on the task-sooner or later. They'd laughter at, with, over and about everything. It was interspersed with some of the wildest, unholy of inside jokes, and Remus had laughed his heart's content at each one of them.

"If I had to use just one word to describe James Potter, I'd probably use "Hillbi-Lily." Sirius suddenly said, and Remus was sucked into a vortex of past memories. In this case, it was second year, and the start of a huge legacy of jokes and jest. Sirius waited for a reply, cigarette long forgotten.

"You know why you can never get Minerva to date you, Sirius? Because she's a Gon-a gal." Remus hit back, suddenly remembering his snark jibe at Sirius' persistent efforts to impress their Transfiguration professor back in third year.

"Binns asked me to unleash my true potential. I said that it was against my primal nature." Fifth year.

"Okay that's a good one. Give me a second."

"Take all the time in the world," Sirius' tone laced with reminiscent playfulness.

"Do you know why Filch is bad at giving handjobs? Because he doesn't use no-rris." Sixth year. Jokes about sex were their forte.

"Fine, you win." Sirius smiled at him, and Remus suddenly wanted to scream. He didn't give a fuck about winning or losing, hell he didn't give a fuck about the war and all the shit that had rained on them because of it. He wanted to grasp hold of Sirius and shake him proper until he realised that their incessant disagreements were pointless, the war was pointless, the second guessing was pointless, having this cigarette under a streetlight at dinner time was pointless, fighting was pointless. Remus marvelled at the pointlessness of it all.

"This is just so fucking pointless."

"What is?"

"You know what I mean, Sirius." Remus tried to convey all the tangents and trajectory of his thought process with a single look of helplessness. Apparently, Sirius was never good at mind reading and Remus thought of maybe saying good night and walking out again. But hadn't he done that already? Hadn't the both of them circled around each other, like a binary star system. They both new that one day, when they'd expended all their energy over this futile waiting and agonizing and contemplating, they'll fall into each other and inevitably merge back together into one. It was colossal, the amount of frustration, pent up regret and a bittersweet nostalgia was meandering between them. Remus finally sighed, Sirius was still quiet.

"What I mean, Sirius, is that maybe we should just give up on this-this bitterness and heart ache and anguish and spare the both of ourselves the mammoth trouble of becoming the romantic slash nostalgic slash repenting slash whatever the fuck we're enough route to becoming, and just let ourselves be what we were always meant to be."

"You mean forget all this bollocks that's been pouring down on us, give up on the people and ideals we believe in and just worry about our petty little hearts and our fucking feelings?" Sirius scoffed, along with a massive eye roll.

Remus realised that it was self defense, all of it. The contempt, the style of treating sensitive matters. It was the Black way of handling feelings- over expression. "Look, all I'm saying is that maybe we should just not let ourselves get lost in this darkness, this maze of responsibilities that aren't even ours to begin with. We deserve a fucking life, Sirius. I mean, we're fucking twenty!"

"Ha! So, you to think that none of us get this. Remus, in case your sharp wit and an even sharper nose has blurred your vision, then look around. All of us are young Remus. All of us deserve having no track of yesterday or today or tomorrow, going to movies, listening to old records all night, drinking and smoking cheap cigarettes in a cheap nowhere pub, never minding any of the bollocks that comes along with occupation or obligation. Maybe even make mistakes that won't somehow end up in the death of the people we love. Hell, ends up in our death. But unfortunately, Remus, all the darkest hours couldn't collectively bring forth for us anything as dark, and as dangerous as our future. War's not a fucking joke, James and Lily's baby is not a fucking joke, my shattering faith and belief is not a fucking joke."

"I never said-"

"No, you never say anything, Remus. And that's exactly what keeps me up at night, keeps me thinking while drunk, keeps me deaf while listening and it keeps me aching while trying so hard to heal. So please, for the love of everything that's not trying to plot our murders, be honest with me. Tell me things that you used to think of when you starting doing this-this mission for Dumbledore. Exclusively, I might add. Tell me what you wanted to tell m that night before you disappeared with no notice for two months straight, outside the bar when we were celebrating Lily's pregnancy. Remus, if you think that things can work like a well oiled machine just like before without you having to open your mouth even for a second, then I'm sorry mate, that's not possible."

"I-I" Remus was unable to find any words. How had this point come in his life, when all the vocabulary in the entrapment of his knowledge couldn't make him cough up everything that was inside. How could it not make him pour out all his feelings at the feet of this man who was ready to give him a chance every time. This man, Sirius Black, who despite carrying the dark clouds within, always tried so hard to be the brightest star in the skies of the people he loved. Who valued friends more than family, water more than blood. Remus was paralyzed by the sheer intensity of the moment. He just wanted to share all that was weighing him down, and now a chance to do so was presenting itself before him in the form of Sirius Black.

But words didn't come. Silence was cornering Remus into submission and fear. Should the news of his confession reach out to Dumbledore, what would he make of him? He was entrusted with a responsibility, and trust wasn't something easier to go by when you try so hard to lead a normal life as a werewolf. He was suddenly scared and confused. He felt like being eleven again, opening the door to see a funny man dressed even funnier waiting at his doorstep. His parents had welcomed the man with utmost respect, and he'd requested to speak with them in supposed privacy, unaware of the child eavesdropping on their conversation. The funny man wanted to get Remus admitted in a school of some sorts, and Remus knew at that moment, that it was the best opportunity anyone had ever given him during his eleven years on this planet. He heard the man calling him special, and he wondered if he truly was what the man thought of him to be. Later, the funny man was introduced to him as Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, one of the greatest wizards to have ever walked the Earth.

But boy, little did he know, that along with the benevolence of granted opportunities, came the shadow of indebtedness and moral obligations.

"Fine, Remus. I'm sorry I tried." Sirius had his mouth set in a hard line, his eyes not meeting Remus'. Somewhere Remus felt a jolt of disappointment in his heart.

"No, please don't be, Sirius. I really, really wish I could tell you, and I've told you this a thousand times, but I can't."

"Neither can I, Remus." If there were tears in Sirius' eyes, the night came to his assistance in hiding them. Remus wanted to take his face in his hands, look him in the eye, and take always all their inhibitions. But reality didn't make it seem so easy, and his hands resumed their usual position- in the pockets of his coat. Sirius was still quiet, maybe waiting for an answer to emerge somewhere out of Remus.

He was disappointed. Quickly putting out his cigarette, Sirius looked one last time at Remus, and it physically pained him to find only disappointment there. Remus knew that that was the beginning of their impending end. He looked down. He looked down upon himself, hoping that he could be saved by all the pain and the humiliation by someone, specifically, the person standing right in front of him. He felt disgusted with his selfishness, how could he expect so much of a man who asked so little of others, and even littler of his friends. All he wanted was trust and honestly and loyalty, things without a price tag on them, and Remus couldn't even give him those.

"Good night, Remus."

And as Remus Lupin watched Sirius Black walk away, as if by a coincidental omen, London was suddenly drenched in heavenly tears, watching its two lovers break apart. It was as if she tried to bring out all the outpouring that Remus wasn't able to. It was Christmastime and London was dreary than usual. It was washing it away, all of it. Not for the first time, Remus Lupin was disappointed in himself, ashamed of himself. But for the first time ever, he had no one on that that rainy night to make him believe the opposite. Remus started walking down the street, opposite to the direction which Sirius took, and wondered if he could ever get lost forever? Maybe forget everything and go someplace no one would ever find him? It obviously wasn't something that hadn't flirted by his thoughts before, given the course his life took since one fateful night when he was four. But unlike today, earlier he had people who didn't want him to embark on that course of action. It seemed highly unlikely now, and Remus suddenly sniffed, not realising that the rain, along with everything else, was washing his tears away.

24 December, 1979  
Time: 11:30 a.m  
Dumbledore's office, Hogwarts

  
"Our sources have confirmed it, Remus. The exact location isn't in my knowledge, but it's in a small fishing town somewhere near Inverness. It's not got any considerable amount of population, and mostly people living there are well, fishermen, considering the whole country is dotted with lochs."

"That sounds brilliant. Such a large number of werewolves in a single place, this is very opportunistic." Remus agreed, thinking if it really was opportunistic or not. Dumbledore, on the other hand, was still on his fourth sherbet lemon.

"Exactly, Remus. We have a grave requirement to find out what Voldemort's been doing to allure the werewolves in." He said, pausing with devouring his sweet. Remus hadn't been able to comprehend that mystery about Dumbledore, his love for sweets, almost to a fault. If one could carefully take a look around his office, sweets were kept almost everywhere, conspicuous or not.

"I hardly call it alluring, Headmaster. Threatening sounds more like it." Remus suddenly felt a bit defiant. Why was it that werewolves were considered, no, stereotyped to be a rapacious breed in general? As if they were hungry dogs, they could be easily "allured" into doing ghastly things. They were unfortunate at most, not naive. Remus sighed. After last night, it was best not to dwell on what's right and what's not. It was a middle ground and Remus was forever going around the edges, trying to find himself in the right spot.

"Well, of course." Almost inconspicuous to the normal eye, Dumbledore looked down with an awkwardness hidden behind his spectacles. But he was brilliant at gathering himself most instantaneously. "Remus, I know I've asked too much of you, and you've only ever agreed to and complied, but I wanted to inquire something."

"Yes, Headmaster." Remus felt a bit confused, the last thing he needed was to witness an emotional extravaganza by the greatest wizard of all times himself. He'll, he could now see the half melted sherbet lemon in the man's mouth. He quickly looked away.

"Do you think sometimes, I ask a little too much of you? I try not to, but I still can't help thinking that maybe I do."

"No." Remus lied, astonishing himself with the assurance in his voice." I think that I do these things on my own accord, and it only ever makes me feel as if I'm useful to the cause."He obviously couldn't go on and say that he wanted the world to look at people like him in a different way. He obviously couldn't say that if it was not for the mission, Remus would've been swallowed by his biggest fear- of leading a useless, meaningless life. He would've been stuck in that no good job at the grocery store, and would've continued asking the kind old man who ran the store for a short leave every month. He couldn't say that the main reason he did this job was because sometimes, he gets to meet people like him. People just like him, and that makes him feel empowered and sympathetic simultaneously. He couldn't say that sometimes he ended up advising and helping some of the young, confused ones who needed an out with the kind of life they were forced by the society to lead. He couldn't say a million things yesterday, and he couldn't today.

"Headmaster, if I would've felt pressurised or threatened by the dangers of this position, I would've come up to you and refused without hesitation, frankly speaking." He lied again. "I don't mind it in the least, and anything opposing that fact should be thrown out of the window."

"Ah, that's very reassuring, I can assure you, Remus. What is an old man to do? I can't even imagine where this mission would've been without your support and assistance."Somewhere, Remus thought, he felt that Dumbledore was lying too. A small part of him wouldn't stop him from thinking that all of this was just a web of sweet words meant to hold onto him, lest he should get away. There was obviously no replacement Dumbledore could arrange for such kind of a job.

"Thank you, Headmaster. I'm pretty sure I'm anything but willing."

"You should however know this, Remus. This mission could prove to be far more dangerous than your previous missions. This time, we don't think that the place we're setting our target as is as accessible as we'd like it to be. I must be frank and say this, you' will be really on your own this time considering that it's somewhere in the wilderness surrounding Inverness. The town's rural and secluded in itself.

Remus thought if he could stand on his chair and shout out a Hallelujah in the most joyous of voices. He decided to remain silent.

"You should know, that despite all this secrecy and danger lacing this mission right now, one day people will remember you for what you did." Dumbledore looked down through his glasses, looking quickly back up. He was finally done with his sweet, hand twitching for just a moment.

Remus, one the other hand, was trying to think how that would work out, and quiet sadly, he couldn't see himself being appreciated and recognised by a horde of common people. He was forever an outcast, a loner, and this wasn't something that outcasts achieved.

"It is very gratifying to think so, I must say. The part about the recognition, I mean. As for the danger that the mission brings with it, I have absolutely nothing against that. Serving the mission is my duty, and if it being a along some hurdles with it, so be it." Remus gave Dumbledore a small smile, feeling tired of the little heart-to-heart, fake or not. He just wanted to get to the point."May I ask what's been arranged for my next mission? I mean, you've given me the basic information, but any specifics I could go ahead with?"

"Yes, sure. It's been decided that it would be best if you left around the end of December, this year. I mean, not allowing you to spend Christmas with friends and family would be downright cruelty, and I'm a merry man myself. However, I'm afraid that you may not be able to spend the New Years with them."

"Oh." Remus tried to think if there actually was anyone he could probably spend even Christmas with. If anyone would even ask him to join in. At this point in life, Remus wasn't even sure he had friends. He sure as hell knew he'd forever lost one just the other night, and there was nothing he could do about it. Suddenly, Remus didn't feel like sitting and talking anymore. Surreptitiously looking at his watch, he was surprised to see that three hours had past since his arrival. He was already late by a ghastly amount of time when he had arrived there (an hour late, to be exact). How had so much time passed discussing only the plans?

"I see you've finally allowed yourself to be bothered by the shenanigans of time." Dumbledore said, smiling.

"I-I.didn't mean to seem rude."

"Oh no, not at all. Please, it's quite late already. Time really does fly, doesn't it?"

"It seems so, yes."

"Anyhow, thank you for coming out here Remus, and having this discussion with me. Any other information comes my way, I'll make sure it gets to you first thing."

"Thats sounds brilliant."

"Thank you for your time, Remus."

"Oh, no worries. It's one resource I've got plenty of."  
"Well, I hope Christmas shopping changed that. I've tried it myself, and it seems like a most challenging task."

"I didn't realise that it was."

"Pardon me, but I'll have to disagree. I'm obviously not going to bore you with the details of the events that led me to believe this. I know you've got better things to do."

Remus wanted to laugh at that and thought of replying with a "Not really!" He thought better of it.

"Thank you for your time, Remus. I'm pretty sure we'll be meeting soon. Until then."

"Goodbye, Headmaster. Have a nice day." Remus stood up from his seat, his numb legs proving just how long he'd been warming the chair.

"You too, Remus." He could faintly heard, as he closed the office door behind him.

Another mission was here.

\----------

Alyssa was busy arranging the Santa caps on the second row of the third cabinet, about to place the fourth cap, when she heard the telltale ringing of the bells last the door, notifying her that a customer had come. She almost didn't notice a tall, almost willowy, man entering the shop who looked like he could use a shorter nose. Festivities were everywhere around London, except on this man's face. She quickly placed the rest of caps, the last from the stock, and went ahead to the counterr, noticing that the man was standing there waiting for her to arrive, his back facing the aisle from which she was coming.

"Good evening, how may I help you?"  
The man turned around, and Alyssa was struck by how verdant his eyes were. She had to restrain herself from smiling even wider, when the corner of his eyes crinkled as if she was the source of the most optimistic, happy things in life for him, while in reality he was just lending her a small, polite smile. "And a half-hearted one too." Reminded her dampening thought.

"I was wondering if you could give me something worthy of a newborn baby?"

"Oh." Alyssa didn't realise that the man was in the position of a soon to be father too. Why, he looked far too young to become one. "Well, we have the usual toys along with a special batch of Christmas themes toy reindeer. You might like to see them?"

"Oh, nothing too Christmassy, you know? I just want something a child could remember the person gifting it by." He looked awkwardly at the displays on the window. "You know?"

"Okay." Alyssa thought of the man's weirdly specific request and tried to think if she had anything like that. Then, suddenly, she brightened up "I have just the thing for you, Mr.-"

"Lupin, thanks." This time, the man's smile was truly charming. It had that reminiscent way about it.

"Please, if you'd follow me." Alyssa motioned at the fifth aisle and was conscious of the man walking following her. Trying to sound casual, she asked , "So, how old is your child?"

"Oh." Remus laughed, causing Alyssa to turn back and look at what had eased out such a melodious laughter out of the somewhat solemn man, Mr. Lupin. "The child's not mine, but my best friend's." Just after he'd answered the question, his eyes lost a monumental amount of the cheerfulness it was not a moment ago carrying, but then the man regained his polite smile quickly.

Bending down, still aware of the floppy haired man behind her, Alyssa searched for the gift she'd thought of apt for this stranger-Mr. Lupin. Exactly after six seconds, her hand landed on the object, and gleaming with pride, she turned around to show it to her customer.

Needless to say, the look on Mr. Lupin's face was everything she'd hoped it would be. After all, she was holding a toy deer made of wood and specially crafted by local artisans. It had beautifully cut out antlers, and was painted impeccably, as if to resemble a real deer. Instead of eyes, there were two small black stones embedded in the sockets. It wasn't every customer's choice, given there were better options, distracting options in the form of remote controlled cars, toy trains, toys that could sing and dance and basically pose as a somewhat living being(except the uncannily large eyes given to them by toymakers who probably get off to plastic dolls staring back at them with eyes larger than their heads). But something told her that the person standing in front of her wasn't like other people. No, she thought differently of him and was satisfied when she turned out to be right. She looked at Mr Lupin, eyes fixated at the deer in her hands. He was, as if lost in some boulevard of some memory, a boulevard shaded by trees of time on either side, he was deep in thought.

"Is this okay?" Alyssa asked tentatively, and felt almost sad to break him out of his fazed stare.

"It's, well," Remus looked back at her, "perfect." Remus took the toy from her in his own hands and stared at it for maybe hours. He didn't say a word, didn't show even a flicker of movement, just stared, transfixed.

_"Who do you think we're going to leave the baby with when we're just too tired to deal with its headache? "_

_"I've got a nasty feeling that it's going to be me."_

Alyssa couldn't take her eyes off of Remus, the entranced look on his face was all too captivating. She carefully asked, after counting to seven, "So, what do you think, Mr. Lupin?"

"Please, call me Remus. I think I might like to be in possession of it." He smiled. But suddenly, his smile vanished, as he took another look at the toy in his hands. Hesitantly biting his lip, and after skipping a beat, eyes downcast, he asked her-

"Could I please know the price?"

The colour evidently drained out of Remus' face when Alyssa answered his question and for the first time that day, and noticed Alyssa furtively looking at the frayed ends of his coat, the unkempt look of his countenance as of it had been exposed to so little care, the stitched and mended trousers and finally, her eyes landed on the myriad of scars on his face. How hadn't she noticed them before? Coming to think of it, some of the scars peeked out from the edges of his clothes, and Alyssa couldn't help but wonder if the man really was in possession of a sum of money enough to pay for the wooden deer.

"I'll take it." He said, and tried to hide the embarrassment caused from his previous question. Alyssa couldn't help but notice and somewhat be impressed by the man's deep rooted sense of pride, edging more towards the likes of self respect.

"Brilliant" she smiled."You want me to pack it for you?"

She took it from him, and walked back to the counter. Pretty sure, Remus wasn't following her back. When she reached the counter, Alyssa began to pack the toy for Remus, and was about to complete when he finally emerged from the aisle. Almost hidden, Remus held the money tightly in his hands, making sure Alyssa couldn't get any chance to have a look at his wallet.

"Here, it's ready." She smiled at Remus, trying to reassure him.

Remus came up to the counter, and took the deer in one hand, all the while trying to maintain a casual smile. Finally, bringing his other hand up, Remus placed the cash on the counter, and the both of them tried adamantly not to blush. Quietly taking the cash, she looked at Remus and said a warm thank you. Remus smiled back at her, and thanking her once again, he was about to leave the shop, when he was stopped by Alyssa.

"Um, Remus?"

"Yes?" He turned back partly, hand still resting on the door, and even in that pose, Alyssa couldn't help but admire his graceful stature. Emboldened by the smile Remus was giving her, she quickly came up to him and asked, "Would you care to, in the nearest possible future, go out for coffee sometime?"

"Err." He looked confused and Alyssa quickly regretted her hasty decision. How, she felt like a slut. Whoever, her self deprecation was thwarted when she heard Remus' voice.  
"Alright. How about this Friday? Nine o'clock?"

"Fine by me."

"Brilliant." Remus smiled at her one last time, and then went out the door, leaving behind just the echo of ringing of the bells throughout the shop, and maybe in hear heart too.

\----------

Remus felt cold in his pants, probably because of his wallet which was desperately crying for some warmth in the form of any meager amount of money. However, Remus again felt the weight of the gift he was carrying for the baby and suddenly, his penniless state didn't matter anymore.

Still, the gift he held in his hand meant something.  
Coming up to the telephone booth, he quickly dialled the already memorized number.

"Hello?"

"Lily, hey."

"Remus?"

"Yes, it is me. You won't believe what I've got you for Christmas. A actually, not technically "you", but it's all the same." Remus couldn't help but feel a certain amount of happiness that wasn't shadowed by, well, his life in general.

"Remus, where are you calling from?" That was the third line Lily spoke, no curiosity about what surprise Remus was talking about or any hint of happiness. There was sheer worry laced in her voice.

"I'm calling from a phone booth. Why-why do you sound so tensed? Lily, is everything okay?"

"Remus, is there anyone beside you?"

"I'm in a phone booth, Lily. As as self righteous muggle borns, we should be pretty much acquainted with the fact that phone booths are meant for one person use only, don't you reckon?"  
There was no comment on Remus being a prick or even a sliver of a laugh on the other side.

"Lily-Lily, are you there?"

"Yes. Listen, Remus-" there was a pained sigh on the other end. "-have you heard of what happened last night?"

"Last night,? I can't seem to possibly remember if anything substantial was to happen last night."

"Remus, just quietly listen and don't ask any questions. It is imperative that you hear me out, okay?"

"Lily? Is everything fine? Is the baby fine?" Remus' voice grew worrisome by the second.

"Everything's fine, Remus. But soon, it won't be, I'm afraid. Now, listen." There was another intake of a deep breath."Last night, the Order was off on a mission somewhere in Knockturn Alley, they were here last evening making plans for the mission. Now, I don't know how or why, but Remus, something terrible happened. The Death Eaters were tipped off. Fourth time in a row, and things ended, well,pretty badly."

"Did anyone get hurt?" Remus couldn't stop himself from asking. Suddenly, his mind was bringing up a thousand different scenarios and each of them turned out to be worse than the other.

"Listen Remus, the point is-"

"Did anyone get hurt or not?" Remus' found his voice raising.

"Thank Merlin, no. Fabian went down with a pretty bad hit though. But Remus, that's not the main issue. The point is, someone tipped the Death Eaters off about last night. Someone from the inside."

"Someone who was there at the meeting at your house." Remus was suddenly feeling dazed, out of focus. "Someone that was not supposed to be there."

"Remus, I know this sounds bad, but-"

"Lily, you can straight away say that you think I'm the traitor." Remus suddenly couldn't control the words coming out of his mouth. "But trust me when I say this, it's someone else. Lily, you know me. I'd never-"

"Of course, I know that Remus, or else why would I be talking to you at all? Listen, you'll have to do something before things get out of hand, Remus. You're now their prime suspect and Merlin, I have been sitting worried since morning, waiting for any news of you."

"I-I just don't know how to get everyone to acknowledge my innocence! After all, I'm just as clueless as the others. I need, I think James can help me." Remus suddenly felt a tad bit of hopeful. James would help him out. James would.

"Remus, I-" There was suddenly a sound of sniffling on the other end, and Lily couldn't stop herself before she cried her words out. "I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry, Remus"

"Why are you apologising? Lily?" There was still sniffing and crying on the other side. "Lily, what-"

And then, it struck him. It struck him the moment he saw a group of three or four cloaked men hurrying towards his direction from the other side of the crossing. Remus tried to believed that it was anything but his paranoia, his inner doubt, but when a head of shaggy black hair with glasses so large, they could be seen from the moon appeared from among the group, he wanted to scream out, really, really loud. He was being tracked down and Lily was holding him at one place by the phone call.

Remus suddenly grew pale, unable to focus his sight, ears completely indifferent to the happenings of the world. Lily was keeping him engaged and all the while, his call was being tracked magically by Merlin knows how many searchers. Lily had informed them the moment Remus made contact via a phone call. Oh Lily, things weren't meant to take such a turbulent, wretched course.

"Remus, I'm, so sorry, Remus. I-I promise everything's going to be like it was before." Lily was trying really hard to not give away her obvious anguish at doing this to the man she'd known for ten years now. The man who'd been her staunch supporter as a fellow muggleborn, the man who she'd discussed all her secrets with, in their comfortable nook in the Hogwarts library. The man who was like a brother to Lily.

"No, it isn't." James was probably somewhere around the corner now, out to hunt Remus down. Life took a dangerous flip, all in the span of a day. Remus felt his head whirring with despair and deception. And most achingly, the knife was twisted by his best friend, making his heart bleed and his faith shatter.

"Remus, don't say that. Listen, Remus, everything's going to be fine, okay?"  
Silence.

"Hello, Remus? Remus? Hello?"

When Moody crashed inside the booth, there was no one. The receiver was still dangling from the phone and the line was dead.

\--------

Remus was currently at the place he was least expected to be found- his home. He was still, sitting by his window, looking out at the draped night sky over London, and how it was trying to fight the light of countless gas bulbs, fairy lights and all the brightness. His first thought had been to run away to the train station, maybe the bus station. But he knew, he fucking knew that those were the most predictable spots. He knew he should keep on moving, but something had just made him give up. He was just sitting there, umoving and immobile, just sifting through time and space and pain and tears.

Back at Hogwarts, Remus was the least probable person to tear up whenever something went downhill because if his life had ever given him one thing, it was to just fucking deal with it. And deal with it he did. But how long? How long could he carry on dealing with things, unspeaking, bolting his insides?

Looking around, he stared at his whole house, which had been not recently turned upside down. He’d come home to find things and bookcases and photo frames and everything just upturned and displaced. Remus couldn’t help wondering if Sirius also one of the wizards sent to catch him? He knew James was, and he tried not to think about it.

Remus wanted to cry, and so he did. The alcohol should’ve helped with the ache, but here he was, seething in agony. He wished for an escape, something that wasn't new to him to wish for. He felt shattered and broken and remorseful. Most of all, he felt sorry for himself, something he'd always despised. But now, he couldn't even help it. Everything was gone. His friends, his peace, his respect, Lily, James, Sirius. Sirius. He was supposed to be gone already, but Remus was still in a state of limbo after the Night Under The Streetlight, as Remus would always like to remember it. He couldn't believe he'd just sewed his mouth shut at a demanding Sirius, and somewhere in his justified demands, Remus had found a yielding Sirius. That night, he had wanted to reciprocate too, to yield back, but it had gone down just like the rest of his life, peace and happiness just wasn't in store for him.

He hoped that in some corner of all of their hearts, there was a yearning for the best days of their lives. When friendship and love was the sole important thing in their lives, besides music. Shit, Remus thought. His album was missing. He remembered that when he'd entered the flat, London Calling wasn't lying around where it was supported to. Well, he couldn't care less, at least he wished he couldn't. Fucking responsibilities had broken his back, it had left him alone and wounded and hurt, both mentally and emotionally.

Remus wanted an easy route out, he just couldn't stay here anymore. He knew he had to leave, but this time, he wanted it to count. He wanted it to feel as if his past life never existed. He wanted to, and he hoped that he wasn't being to critical and harsh. He wanted to forget that James and Lily would soon be having a baby. He wanted to forget that Marlene and Dorcas were planning to get married next spring. He wanted to forget that they weren't kids anymore. He wanted to fight Sirius, no matter how impossible he sounded. He wanted to forget his eyes, his voice, his left eyebrow, his morning smile and most importantly, him.

Suddenly, Remus wanted to punch the wall.

Tommy, the neighbor living upstairs was in one of his varying degree of perpetual romantic moods, and Remus could hear Neil Sedaka's croon. He looked at the cars passing by, two young girls laughing while walking down the road, the bakery round the corner, his reflection being marked by several spots and smudges on the barely clean, half closed right window pane. He hung his head, almost trying to fight off the pain and the sadness. Almost trying to fight off the darkness lurking inside him, on corners and crevices unbeknownst to himself.

_If you should ever, ever go away_  
_There would be lonely tears to cry_  
_The sun above would be never shine again_  
_There would be teardrops in the sky_

25 December, 1979  
Time: 12:07 a.m  
Christmas, London.

As a child, Tommy had always wished for snow on Christmas, and no matter whether one believed it or not, Jesus heard him every year. Closed eyes, Tommy was resting on the couch beside his window, not realising that he'd fallen asleep. But suddenly, his eyes opened. Getting up, he rushed towards the window and a face splitting smile played out on his face. It was snowing. He didn't remember leaving the window wide open before dozing off, but what did he care, now that he was busy staring out at the panorama before him. Ah, Tommy wondered. Could he ever get tired of watching London as it snowed all around. Watching her get dressed in her finest and whitest linens, heralding the cheer of Christmastime.

What he didn't come to realise, while busy being held near the window, drowning in utter enchantment, was that his record player was missing. It had, and he wouldn't realise it until sometime later, disappeared out of his house and had somehow, ended up six storeys below on the ground, shattered to a million pieces. His door was still locked from the inside.

\----------

7:00 a.m  
The Potters' Residence  
Main door.

Lily wrapped her robe tighter around herself, and went up to the kitchen to make herself a cup of coffee. James had come back home at around two o'clock last night, and he looked almost as if hollowed out. She'd been crying herself too. Worry and fear was eating her inside out and she hadn't eaten anything since last night. Right now, even the coffee was to satiate her pregnancy driven cravings, hunger was the last thing she was going through.

Almost about to enter the kitchen, she did not notice a package lying on the floor, right in the middle of the drawing room. It seems like it was a regular package, there was the usual brown paper holding its contents. She walked over to it, and bending slowly picked up the pancake. Suddenly, a piece of paper fell down from some loose fold in the package and Lily cursed under her breath. Once getting done with the monumental task of bending down once again and picking up the letter, she walked over to the kitchen, and placing it on the table, went about to fix her self a cup of coffee first. Festivities could wait for later at this point.

Placing aside her cup, Lily finally took hold of the letter and opened it. Looking at the writing, she let out with large gasp, eyes taking less than a second to water. She could recognise that handwriting even if the person who'd sent it hadn't mentioned his identity. She clamped her mouth with her hand, not wanting to sob out loud, and proceeded to read the letter.

_"Dearest Lily and James,_  
_Merry Christmas!_  
_Ironically, the conditions under which this letter meets you are anything but. I don't want to bring up any wounds and and pains. This is just a friend being warm and friendly towards his two really close friends, family even._  
_Lily, you are officially a week away from being exactly two months pregnant now, and I can't even begin to tell you how crazily affected I feel by this human being forming inside you, even when it hasn't even been born yet. Obviously, my emotions are nothing compared to how much anticipation James is thriving in. He's going to be an amazing father, I can assure you undoubtedly. James is the kindest, warmest and the most accepting person I've ever met and nothing could ever happen to make me beluev otherwise. I don't know and am not keen on knowing if my image has in any way changed in your eyes. I would like to guarantee that I'm still the same old friend of yours who likes reading, autumn, music and men (although not equally)._  
_I know that right now, me writing to you is the most unexplainable and unreasonable thing for me to do, but surprisingly enough, I have a request . Not a materialistic one, just plain old emotional. I don't know if this sound like an unreasonable request to you, amidst everything that's happened, but I don't want the child to not know about me. I don't want the child to be unaware that there exists an acquaintance who would always cherish his or her (I have an uncanny feeling it's going to be a "him") existence in this world. When the child grows up, and points to the pictures, please tell him my name. Tell him how we had the best days of our lives with each other, how we made the best mistakes with each other and were the best versions of ourselves with each other. Tell the kid, if not anything more, my name._  
_And another, please see to Sirius. When he's sad, he tries to shut others out, but he isn't good at hiding (And I know what a smart sleuth your are, Lily). He always gets cold right around the time winter comes to an end. On Sundays, he likes to have Chinese takeout food, and since I don't think it seems possible in the near future, either of your company would be very much appreciated in the act of devouring takeout food. And most importantly, don't allow possessions of mine to be left around him. Any picture, books, clothes, socks, albums, anything. Take it away, burn it, dispose of it, donate it, doesn't matter. Just help him, please. Help him forget me._  
_As a token of my love for the child and a sign of wishing you both the very best as you embark on the journey of parenting, this package holds something I've chosen after much deliberation and searching._  
_I hope you like it. Consider it to be a muggle baby-shower kind of gift. Good luck._

_Yours_  
_Remus._

_PS: I know it's not my place to ask this, but James, please believe in me, trust me. No matter how trying times get , I'll always be your consistent well wisher and hope the best for you two and the family you're about to start. And please, as a last act of mutual kindness, don't try to find me because it will turn out to be futile. "_

Lily had to hold the edge of the table, before she finally let out the sob raging inside her. With trembling hands, she started to open the pancake. Tentative and hopelessly reminiscent, Lily wondered if it would ever feel like Christmas again without such a huge part of her life gone. She wondered did things could ever be the same again. As a tear rolled down her cheek, Lily finally removed the paper to reveal what it was holding within.

It was hard not to let out a smile amidst all her overflowing tears. It was a deer, a wooden one at that. It was the most beautiful gift any one had ever given her. The deer stared back at her, and Lily wondered if this was the Christmas surprise Remus had called to tell her about. She wondered if it were any other Christmas and her conversation on the phone with Remus hadn't taken the road it had gone down last night. She looked again at the deer, smelling of fresh paint and temperate wood. It was amazing the amount of emotions it could usurp within her, like a tumultuous storm brewing in her veins.

Her sobs started again. Louder and more painful.

\----------

10:14 a.m  
The Ministry of Magic  
London

Christmas would ensure a holiday for everyone, no distinctions, no divisions. Except, there was a war around the corner, and holidays were anything but pardoned. Officials were growing scared with each passing day, infiltrators were in very floor, every department, and they just didn't know who to trust. The clock was ticking. Several deaths had to be reported, several to be prevented and several to be acknowledged.

And stuck in this gigantic ministry machine, was Sirius Black, a cog. A cog trying hard to get the position of Auror, and doing any bit of groveling required to do so. He was unable to sleep, and work seemed like the perfect escape. Since last night, Sirius hasn't even allowed himself to even make contact of any kind with anyone. He'd refused to go out and search for him, he'd refused to answer his muggle telephone at eight o'clock in the morning today while he was getting dressed and he'd imposed himself to be locked in his flat as things have been spiralling downwards stupendously.

"Letter for Sirius Black." An enclosed letter was hovering above his head, and the moment Sirius looked at the magically charmed envelope, floating above his head, it instantaneously began to fall, almost as if realising that its receiver has acknowledged its presence.

Sirius quickly caught it and looked at the envelope. No name, no address. Just a spotless white envelope with Sirius O. Black written on it by untraceable magical ink. Sirius wondered if it was another Order mission enclosed within.

He opened it, and little did he know that twelve years down the road, this would be one of the most securely locked memory in his mind.

_"Sirius_  
_This letter has been purposefully written in magical untraceable ink because honestly, I don't want anyone to find out where I am. I can't say if it matters or not, but I'm well physically fine and a thousand miles from London and counting. One more thing before you begin, you don't have to worry later on about it being intercepted because I've used a charm that links this letter to your genes, and no one except your fingerprints can read it._  
_This letter may not be my best confession of all times, but I hope it counts as I'm a class-A coward. Things haven't been as they were back when we were seventeen and free, or in the words of Henry David Thoreau, "sucking the marrow out of life" (I can assure you that the previous line used to be uncannily accurate) and I guess that my silence hasn't done much to revive it. But I want you to know, that you're always there in the silences between my failed attempts at expressing myself, in the hesitant turns on the knob of your door and then turning around and leaving back, in the fading out between sips of morning coffee and in the fibres of the warp and weft of my heart and soul. I'm not writing these words to invoke any feeling of regret or regression from you, but am simply writing whatever comes to mind right now as I'm sitting and waiting for a ride that will take me quite far away._  
_Here's the truth, simple and factual: I have been working for Dumbledore in order to find out the dynamics of the werewolves' participation in the war. Alongside spying, I'm even entrusted with recruiting any of those who're willing. I have seen so many like me, bereft and desolate, eyes gleaming with hopelessness as a result of the years of regression they've faced, it scares me. I've been to werewolf camps where disease and desperation run wild, and it makes me wonder of I was the luckiest of them all along. I had friends who were always by my side, parents who never allowed me to feel inferior and you. I had you. You can well understand that the sensitivity of the work I was carrying out was of utmost importance to Dumbledore and whether you like it or not, I owe him Sirius. I owe him not only because he got me admitted to Hogwarts or because he gave me a chance at a better life, but because of it weren't for him, I would've never met you lot. I literally owe him for allowing me to meet the live of my life. You don't think I can go against a man I owe so much to now, do I?_  
_Don't worry, you don't have to burden yourself with the thought that I have confessed to you only because of any kind of pressure or compulsion from your side. I wrote this because I've wanted to do this and show uninhibited honesty when it came to you for so long, and I'm glad that finally I've done it despite it taking me away from you ironically (and geographically). I've written to Dumbledore too and have mentioned about this, so you don't have to justify your right to the truth._  
_One last thing, request actually, is that please don't come to find me. It's already hard enough that I'm writing this letter, as if it were the only thread forging an almost imperceptibly reminiscent bond between us. But please, don't ask around, search around, look around, because I don't think I can ever bear with the fact that there's hope of us meeting and reconciling somewhere out there. All I want you to do is keep living on as if I never existed, Sirius. For the both of us, listen to London Calling completely without stopping (I know you're then one who has it, and I don't mind, you can keep it), pet every cute dog that ever passes by you, ride that motorbike of hours to your heart's content at the oddest hours of the day, go out and have as much fun as you can, laugh as if you were pumped with nitrous oxide (you probably won't get the reference since it's science, a highly conniving muggle superstition), don't let the war distract you from living your life as it was meant to be lived. And before I run out of space I'd like to make one last addition._  
_Sirius, please, for all that's iridescent and beckoning in this world, fall in love, if you can. Don't keep getting stuck in one place, one moment, one incident, but move on. Fall in love, enjoy yourself, go on dates as a pretext to have that ridiculously black coffee of yours. Find someone to hold your hand as you walk along the Thames, find someone to watch the moon at the precise time (2:24 a.m, if I recall correctly) you always used to wake me up to go up to the roof, Find someone to tell you how bad your jokes are, find someone to watch you while you fall asleep and when you wake up, find someone to die of heart attack while riding behind you on your bike, find someone to go to the bakery around the corner to binge incessantly, find someone to ridicule poorly directed horror movies with you that you hate but still can't help watching whenever one comes on the television, find someone. Find someone, in case all the others don't work out, to make your way through the enthralling and exhilarating and engaging maze called life._

_Once upon a warped flow of time, yours_  
_Remus"_

The letter fell from Sirius' hand to the floor, the ink miraculously vanishing, as of it were turning into vapour.

A spotless, white sheet of paper hit the floor.

**Author's Note:**

> I've worked my ass off for this one and that's saying something, 'cause I've got an ample bottom.  
Follow me on tumblr:  
[Click here ](https://everyb0dywantst0rulethew0rld.tumblr.com/)


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